Life's Decisions.

I am

Just a friend.. nothing more and nothing less. When I will be more than just a friend to someone?

Depressed

I could really use someone to talk to at the moment. You probably know how to get in touch with me. Use Facebook and be a little resourceful. Just text me.

If you wonder why my posts are so sad and blue it’s because that’s my life at the moment.

Fuck.

Does anyone even give a damn anymore?

Fuck it seems as if more than half the people that I talk to now are a bunch of assholes who care more about themselves than anyone else. Those who appear to be your friends and then back stab you and leave the knife in your back while they walk away.

I’m starting to think the person I like doesn’t give a shit about me anymore.

Life

Nobody deserves to be alone. Everyone needs someone who gives a damn about them in this world. The same goes for each one of my closest friends. I’d sacrifice a lot for them and even you said that it isn’t necessary. That’s true but it’s something that everyone would love to have. People live for and love the satisfaction of knowing that someone will still care about them at their highest and their lowest times. When they’re young and when they’re old. Someone to love them like no one else could or when they think they cant be loved either.

Somehow through this thought, I’m constantly reminded of that woman that i helped at the theaters the other day. So much for ever seeing her again. She had walked in again for a movie and once i saw her, I immediately walked over and quipped “back again?” Her face lit up like no other. She still remembers the other day. It brought such a joy to me as much as the last time and I barely know her, not even her name. That’s the kind of love that I strive to show to others day in and day out. That’s the kind of love that I’m going to show to the person that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.

I may only be 18 years old going to be a Sophomore in college. To whomever is reading this, people who know or the anonymous it may seem as if I’m inexperienced in life. its been a long journey so far and an even longer story to tell. I’ve told it once and maybe I’ll tell it again. I’ve come a long way from my awkward nerdy old self. I have a lot to work on still, but I still revel that how far I’ve come. How much I’ve changed.

Before it goes too long, the reason for my long ass post. There are many more than just that one fish that I’m currently trying to catch. Someone is out there for me and I don’t quite know it yet, but hey you wont know unless you try.

Maybe that’s why I write this blog. So that I can talk my shit to whomever I like. Talk about my life and whomever reads this well thanks for you time. The motto for my blog, “I’m experiencing life one step at a time. Care to join me?” is probably the exact reason why I started a new blog. Not just for a few specifics to read, just a ton of people. Some who care and some who are curious.

Again, if you actually took the time to read this whole emo and somewhat reflective post Thanks again cause I guess if you can identify with me, you’re not alone.

Work

Oddly enough at work today the thing that made my day was not that I got to work with my close friends today, but rather just being a little patient and watching the gratitude come from this woman’s face.

So this woman comes in towards closing time which is around 10:45pm on our longer nights. She has one of those metallic water bottles (which I’d like), a cushion (for her back), and lastly a cane. She had a major limp in her left leg and she was only in about her late 40s or early 50s. Anyway, she asked politely for a ticket and of course I sold her one.

Then after, she walked over to the snack portion of the counter and proceeded to order a regular sized popcorn. Now with her severe limp she explained to me that she couldn’t carry much as well as that she was going to try to make it up our flight of maybe 15-20 stairs to go to her movie. In the usual fashion, I asked her if she wanted to use the lift. However, she thought that it’d be more of a burden to us, the workers, to operate the lift and it’d be easier on all of us and harder on her to walk up the stairs.

As she payed for her popcorn, she was hassled by one of my other co-workers whom I find quite annoying. He was just trying to make the extra buck, which goes to the company no less. It was just more of a hassle and I could see she just wanted to go to her movie.

So just making a some small chat with her because I had to carry her food as well as wait for her because to be honest she moved at a snail’s pace. Not that I minded. She was talking about some rant about sugar and how it’s bad for you and then old habits dying hard when putting salt on her popcorn. How ironic.

Finally, we had to walk across the lobby and then I opened the door for her to the lift and then went up the stairs to run it. Simple key and a button. Not that big of a hassle. So after she went into her movie, I again had to wait another couple of minutes for her to get settled down. She looked slightly embarrassed maybe because of the fact that I was so patient with her or she just took so long.

Now throughout this whole time, she was very very appreciative and gracious of all the help and attention that I gave her. Again it’s part of my job description it was just surprising to me that I didn’t find it as work, but rather just being a gentleman to an older woman. It’s nice to be show and be shown appreciation for effort given and received once in a while and this woman whom I probably won’t see again made my day.

ARRGH

Why do I have so many emo posts on my tumblr? I’ll never know.

Dammit women are so confusing. I seriously hope I’m not being led on. She knows that I like her and we’re pretty close. Sigh, everyone tells me to be patient and I’ve waiting for a while already I can’t believe how time moves so fast and so slow at the same time. Its been like 3 weeks since I told her I liked her AGAIN. That seemed like an eternity ago. That time she told me that she never thought of me like that and she just wanted to be friends. Then today, she says she loves me as a friend. SJDLKF.

I wish she’d come to her senses. I know who I am and what I’m going to be. The nice guy. Unfortunately, I’m going to be the one whose feelings get discounted as well. Taken for granted. I just don’t get thought of in “that” way. I’m just a friend. Gah my chest hurts like a motherfucker right now. So tired of this feeling and it only goes away when I get to hang out with her. I wish I had someone else to talk to but unfortunately its 2am.

Other than that and I really hate to say this but one more try and then after that I think I quit. So tired of this. Makes me want to give up on everything.

Skeletons..

I feel like a skeleton from the past. Like something that gets shoved in the corner and no one speaks of it and thinks that it never happened. I think I need to find a new place to start. Church was a big part of my life through out high school, but now when I go I don’t find the same energy and spark that I once had.. too much has happened and I think I’m the only “kid” that actually remembers all of it.

When I walk around I just look at everyone and I just get blank stares. Many of the people there don’t know me and those who do only know me by name and that’s all. None of the people that I have an emotional and personal connection are there anymore. Half the time  when I’m talking to the people that I’m close with are really distant. They know something’s up and a few of them can probably guess why.

I need a new fresh start and I’m looking for one now, which I think is quite overdue. Anyone else feel the same?

A long time ago, I was on the verge of committing suicide when a guy came to the roof to have lunch. He saw me climbing over the railing and asked me to share his lunch with him. After receiving my puzzled look, he explained, “everyone should die happy. or at least with a full stomach.” We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last month. GMH.

kvngrne:

caeleb:

(via thelovelybones)

(via thisisnotthelovelybones)

OMFG what a way to fall in love.